The term Gaslighting has become more and more common. Most people tend to recognise gaslighting as being manipulated. However, this can be a little misleading. Gaslighting is actually the effect that the manipulation has on the person that has been subjected to emotional and psychological manipulation tactics.
Some people manipulate others and can convince them that they are in the wrong and makes the victim doubt and doesn’t trust their own judgement any more. This doubt leads the victim to believe what the manipulator says is right.
These manipulators use various tactics in a covert way, so much so that their aggressive intentions are well hidden. Those who are being manipulated may feel like something is not right, but with continued manipulation come to believe that this doubt should be directed at their own judgements rather than towards the manipulator.
This type of manipulation makes people believe that the manipulator is right and any doubt should be focused on the victim’s inner thoughts or beliefs. A manipulator may say things such as ‘it’s all in your head’ or ‘you’re imagining it’. These kinds of statements lead to the gaslighting effect.
The manipulator denies and invalidates the victim’s reality. It undermines the victim’s view of the world and reality. In extreme cases, this manipulation can lead to a person questioning their own sanity. This manipulation is used to make a person think or act in ways they wouldn’t have otherwise done. The thoughts and acts of the victim are always in the interest of the manipulator and for their benefit.
This manipulation of changes is done slowly over time. The victim will be led down the path of doubting themselves and believing what they are told by the abuser. Of course, the victim will have no idea that this is happening to them. Manipulation of another person is always about power and control.
Manipulators will instil shame on their victims. They will use words that create doubt and evoke fear. When this is done day after day, victims will easily back down from their beliefs. Along the way, the victim may feel like something isn’t right, they may even voice this. However, the manipulators will usually say things like ‘you are not making any sense’ or ‘I know what I said and it wasn’t that’. The more manipulators can get their victims to doubt themselves, the more likely they are to adopt the thoughts and behaviours of the manipulator.
Those who have been victims of this kind of abuse and gaslighting effect for prolonged periods can suffer lasting negative effects. The manipulators have worked tirelessly to bring about this self-doubt and will struggle to trust themselves once again. However, it is possible to recover by engaging with trained professionals in counselling.
We are all guilty of trying to manipulate other people from time to time. However, the older we get the more skilled we are and the more emotionally mature we become. Narcissists have no emotional maturity and are manipulating 100% of the time. Manipulation is always found where there is emotional immaturity and/or power imbalances.
All tactics of manipulation, even lying, contribute to the gaslighting effect. There can be several different types of manipulation used. For example, stonewalling. Stonewalling is when the manipulator/abuser pretends they don’t understand what you are telling them.
Another tactic is to counter what the victim is saying and questions the memory of them with phrases such as ‘you never remember things correctly’ or ‘get your facts straight’. The manipulator/abuser may block or divert questions or answers. They may simply refuse to answer, change the subject, or blame the victim. They may say things such as ‘why do you always have to blame me’ or ‘you are always picking fights. The manipulator may even deny reality or intentionally forget things. Phrases such as ‘you never told me that’ or ‘I know what I said and it wasn’t that’ may be used.
The most important thing to do if you think you may be being manipulated and experiencing the gaslighting effect, the first step is to try and think about the situation from both points of view. Talking to trusted friends or family about it may help. It can help to talk with a few people to get different points of view.
Ask yourself the question ‘are they doing this out of a desire to control me, or are they struggling with the idea of not being in control themselves?’ If you are able to think about the situation or behaviour, it can be helpful to try and think logically rather than emotionally. When we are emotional, we tend to react, it is always better to respond after some thought.
The person may not even realise that they are being manipulative, it may not be coming from a will to control and dominate. They may be experiencing feelings of insecurity in other areas of their lives. Sometimes, it can be more to do with feelings of them having little or no power in the relationship.
Try to find a mutual time to talk it over if you feel this would help. Sometimes, bringing things up during an argument can be seen as an attack rather than a desire to understand. Therefore, plan ahead of time to talk.
Sometimes though, this manipulation is used as a deliberate tactic to cause someone to feel more insecure, less confident, and change their reality and thinking. In this case, it is a totally unacceptable thing to do and a highly abusive pattern of behaviour. Seek help and advice from support websites and phone lines.
