When we hear the term domestic abuse, many people would automatically imagine a husband beating his wife. However, the term domestic abuse covers a wide range of unhealthy behaviours and the victims of abuse can be male, female, young, old, any race or any religion. It is a wide area of study and it would be impossible to cover everything in a short blog. Therefore, in this blog, I wanted to discuss the signs of abuse or unhealthy relationships. Whether you are in an abusive relationship, or you suspect someone you care about it, recognising and acknowledging the signs is the first step to recovery.
Every relationship is different and there is no such thing as a typical relationship. As I have just mentioned, victims of domestic abuse can be male or female and not necessarily confined to those in intimate relationships. However, the majority of domestic abuse does occur between those in an intimate relationship and that is what I am going to discuss in this blog.
I recognize that there are going to be some people reading this blog who have either experienced or are currently experiencing domestic abuse. There are also going to be people reading this who are worried about someone they care about and suspect they are experiencing domestic abuse. Therefore, I am going to include two sections: one about how to spot the signs of abuse in other people; and one about recognising domestic abuse in your relationship.
Identifying domestic abuse in others.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone regardless of who they are. As I have already mentioned, all relationships are different and so identifying signs of domestic abuse is not always easy. Victims of domestic abuse will often try to hide the signs for a variety of reasons. Some of the signs of domestic abuse may be easy to identify, such as bruises and cuts. Others may be things that can easily be explained or overlook. However, spotting several signs over time will usually show that a person is at risk.
If someone is being physically abused, they will frequently have bruises and bangs. However, victims can be very good at covering these things up. The abuser may also cause bruises and marks on parts of the body that are not easily seen.
When the signs of physical abuse are evident, victims may give inconsistent explanations for them. They may wear glasses indoors or long sleeve tops and jumpers in hot weather. Female victims of physical violence are often very skilled at covering up with heavier make up.
Domestic abuse is extremely damaging psychologically. Although you may never see any physical evidence of abuse, the emotional clues will be evident. Domestic abuse can cause people to believe that they will never escape the control of the abuser. They will often fear the consequences of leaving them. They may also be in a constant state of alertness and unable to ever fully relax.
Fear is an important component for the abuser. They will cause the other person to be timid, fearful, and nervous. The person may even show higher levels of fear when they are not with the abuser. A person experiencing domestic abuse may not say that they are being controlled and abused. However, they may refer to their partner as bad-tempered or moody. They will also behave in ways that show they are overly anxious to please them.
The key component of domestic abuse is control. The abuser controls and manipulates their victim in all areas of their life. They will refer to their partner as jealous and will very often constantly accuse the victim of having an affair. If you notice that a person asks for permission to go and socialize with people or does not have access to money then it is a sign they may be, or are, being controlled. Abusive partners will also constantly check up on them while they are out via phone calls or texts messages.
If you suspect someone you care about is the victim of domestic abuse, watch out for changes in behaviour. You may notice that they drop out of activities that they once enjoyed or cancels at the last minute. They can become distant with people and secretive about their private life. They may be quiet or withdrawn in a general way and isolate themselves. However, these can also be a sign of depression.
When a victim of domestic violence is particularly fearful, they will refuse the help to escape even if it is offered to them.
Are you in an abusive relationship?
Domestic abuse does not always mean that the abuser will physically hurt or harm you. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging to live with. This usually develops over time and becomes a ‘normal’ part of your relationship. More often than not, you don’t even notice that it is happening.
People who are in healthy relationships treat each other with respect and encourage each other. They will respect each other and talk about their feelings with you. They will give you compliments and say nice things about you to other people. Couples in a healthy relationship try to so some of the things the other person likes as well as having interests and friends of their own.
Unhealthy relationships can be evident in several ways. They may put you down when you are together and may do it in front of other people. They may go through your phone or social media accounts to check up on you and will often accuse you of cheating on them.
The main objective of an abuser is to manipulate and control you. This can start with small things such as making you feel guilty for not spending time with them or making you do things you don’t want to or are not interested in. A manipulating person will try to isolate you from friends and family and will not try to get on with people that are important to you. When you do spend time away from them they will constantly check up on you.
The domestic abuse may even include the other person forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to. They will also undermine your confidence and say things to scare you or make threats towards you.
Over time, you will become heavily critical of yourself. You may have thoughts such as ‘I’m stupid’ ‘I’m fat’ or ‘I’m not worthy. The abuser will isolate you and will tell you that they love you very much and are just worried about you. It can feel like the most loving relationship ever. Trust me, I’ve been there and I know.
Have you ever worried about how your partner will respond or react over something? You shouldn’t. That feeling of dread or uneasiness is not normal in a healthy relationship. You should be free to say or do whatever you want without worrying about upsetting the other person. Feeling fear of any kind within a relationship is unacceptable.
People stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it may be because you are too frightened of what will happen if you do try and leave. It may be that you rely on them for financial help or worry about losing your home or children. The abuser will have taken away your self-confidence and belief in yourself, but it important that you seek help and advice.
The abuser may have blamed you for they wat that they have behaved and you may feel guilty. You may enjoy the good times you have with them and keep hoping it won’t happen again. However, it is important to recognize that nobody should treat you that way or cause you to feel fear.
Emotional abuse can be difficult to acknowledge and identify. The abuse is often subtle and escalates over time. You should not feel any kind of shame for not seeing it happen. The important thing is that as soon as you do recognize it, you take action.
Many people can give you advice and support that you need. You might not want to or feel able to end the relationship because you think things will get better. It is unlikely that the abuse will end on its own without intervention.
Reach out and seek help. I have included a link below to some websites that can offer you professional advice and support.
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/recognising-signs-domestic-abuse
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
Women:
Men:
LGBT:
Children:
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/domestic-abuse/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UK_GO_S_B_GEN_New_Grant_ChildLine_Domestic_Abuse&utm_term=domestic_violence_children&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=Cj0KCQiAiZPvBRDZARIsAORkq7d7KzBa68E2jn0Lv9pzDTlYfNGhcu3z1neND24JdB_CjA4KPwqK2MkaAhZQEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
